If you think you’re too smart to get scammed on spring break, you’re exactly the kind of person who ends up crying in a consulate office at 3 AM. I know, because I was that person. It was 2014 in Cabo San Lucas, and I was 22, arrogant, and convinced that my ‘street smarts’ would protect me. A guy on the beach offered me a ‘free’ boat ride to El Arco because I looked like a ‘cool traveler.’ Long story short, I ended up on a rickety panga in the middle of the bay, and the guy refused to take me back to shore unless I paid him $400 USD. I paid it. I felt like a total mark. A walking wallet. It was the most expensive 20-minute boat ride of my life, and it happened because I let my guard down the second I smelled salt water and cheap tequila.
Your phone is going to betray you
Everyone talks about pickpockets, but nobody talks about battery death. Your phone is your lifeline, your map, your bank, and your translator. If it dies, you are effectively a toddler in a foreign land. I actually tracked this last year: I took an iPhone 13 Pro on a 14-hour travel day in Mexico. Between Google Maps, searching for ‘best tacos near me,’ and the constant battery drain of searching for a roaming signal, my phone hit 12% by exactly 4:12 PM. If I hadn’t had a physical backup of my hotel address, I would have been stranded. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. You need to treat your phone like a fragile, dying organ. Carry a brick. A real one, not those tiny lip-gloss-sized chargers that give you 10% and then overheat. I use the Anker 737 because it’s heavy enough to use as a weapon if needed. That’s it. That’s the whole trick.
Safety isn’t about being paranoid; it’s about acknowledging that you are a very small, very confused target in a place that wants your money.
Why I’m officially done with Airbnbs
I know people will disagree with me on this, and honestly, I might be wrong for the general population, but I think staying in an Airbnb for spring break is a massive safety gamble that isn’t worth the $40 you save. I spent three hours one night—don’t ask why, I was bored and a bit obsessive—reading through local fire code regulations for short-term rentals in popular tourist zones in Quintana Roo. Out of 14 listings I looked at that had ‘safety’ photos, zero had visible smoke detectors or clearly marked fire exits. Zero. In a hotel, you have a night manager, a safe that’s actually bolted to the floor, and a door that doesn’t rely on a keypad code that 500 other spring breakers have used this year. I refuse to stay in them anymore. I’ll take a boring, sterile Marriott over a ‘charming’ bungalow with a faulty lock and no way out any day. It’s just garbage.
Anyway, I once stayed in this place in Tulum where the ‘lock’ was literally a butter knife wedged into the frame. The host told me it was ‘part of the jungle experience.’ I left after an hour and slept in the lobby of a Hilton. But I digress.
The actual math of drinking (and why you’re doing it wrong)
I used to think the ‘don’t leave your drink unattended’ advice was just for girls. I was completely wrong. I’ve seen guys get their wallets cleaned out because they thought they were ‘too big’ to get drugged. It’s not about kidnapping; it’s about making you compliant enough to hand over your PIN. It’s a business. And while we’re on the subject, if you’re traveling to a country where you don’t speak the language and you haven’t even learned how to say ‘help’ or ‘no thank you,’ you’re asking for people to treat you like a walking ATM. And honestly? They should. It’s disrespectful and dangerous to show up that unprepared.
- The 1:1 Rule: One water for every drink. Not because of the hangover, but because being slightly less dehydrated means you might actually notice when someone is trying to lead you into a dark alley.
- The ‘Dummy’ Wallet: Carry a cheap wallet with $20 and some expired gift cards. If someone asks for your money, give them that.
- Download Offline Maps: Do it now. Before you leave. Don’t rely on the airport Wi-Fi that never works.
I hate Away suitcases and you should too
This is my most irrational stance, but I stand by it: stop buying those $300 ‘influencer’ suitcases. They scream ‘I have expensive things inside me.’ I have used the same $45 hardshell bag from Target for six years. It’s scratched, it’s ugly, and nobody wants to steal it. I’ve watched people at baggage claim handle those matte-finish Away bags like they’re made of gold, and it just makes you a target. I actively tell my friends to avoid them. Use a bag that looks like it’s been through a war. Thieves are looking for the path of least resistance and the highest payout. Don’t be the highest payout.
I honestly think if you get blackout drunk in a city you don’t know, you’ve waived your right to complain when things go sideways. It’s harsh, but someone has to say it. You are responsible for your own skin. No travel insurance policy—and most of them are scams anyway, except for the medical evacuation part—is going to fix the trauma of getting mugged because you wanted to see what was ‘down that cool side street’ at 4 in the morning. Just stay where the lights are. It’s not that hard.
Is any of this actually going to stop you from having a good time? I hope not. But I often wonder why we spend so much money to go to places where we have to be this vigilant. Maybe the tequila really is that much better over there. I don’t know. Just buy a portable charger and stay out of the pangas.
Never again.